<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> <tt xmlns:ttm="http://www.w3.org/ns/ttml#metadata" xmlns:tts="http://www.w3.org/ns/ttml#styling"> <head> <metadata> <title>Match Finders</title> <region>US</region> <language>en-US</language> <guid>urn:uuid:231b169f-f4bc-30d5-861f-b935b71bf028</guid> <emailid></emailid></metadata> <styling> <style xml:id="defaultCaption" tts:fontSize="10" tts:fontFamily="SansSerif" tts:fontWeight="normal" tts:fontStyle="normal" tts:textDecoration="none" tts:color="white" tts:backgroundColor="black"/> </styling> </head> <body> <div style="s0"> <p begin="00:00:00.000" end="00:00:01.760">[MUSIC PLAYING] </p> <p begin="00:00:01.760" end="00:00:03.640">-You're watching the Game Show Network.</p> <p begin="00:00:03.640" end="00:00:08.090">At 10:00, it's White Jeopardy, but up now, it's Match Finders.</p> <p begin="00:00:08.090" end="00:00:10.590">[MUSIC PLAYING] </p> <p begin="00:00:13.662" end="00:00:16.120">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: Hello, and welcome to Match Finders.</p> <p begin="00:00:16.120" end="00:00:19.140">I'm your host, Emerald Mike Biscayne.</p> <p begin="00:00:19.140" end="00:00:22.450">And I'm sorry I'm late, but a teenager ran up behind me</p> <p begin="00:00:22.450" end="00:00:25.030">and punched me in the back of the head.</p> <p begin="00:00:25.030" end="00:00:26.580">Hope you got into the Crypts, son.</p> <p begin="00:00:29.730" end="00:00:31.650">Let's meet our lucky bachelorette.</p> <p begin="00:00:31.650" end="00:00:33.090">LISA G: Hi Emerald. </p> <p begin="00:00:33.090" end="00:00:35.890">-Her name is Lisa G. She's 23 years old,</p> <p begin="00:00:35.890" end="00:00:36.980">and she's a lot of fun. </p> <p begin="00:00:36.980" end="00:00:38.331">LISA G: I'm actually 33, not 23. </p> <p begin="00:00:38.331" end="00:00:40.622">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: And you're not that fun, either.</p> <p begin="00:00:42.270" end="00:00:44.010">I'm trying to sell a lifestyle here.</p> <p begin="00:00:44.010" end="00:00:47.290">Let's meet our eligible bachelors.</p> <p begin="00:00:47.290" end="00:00:49.963">Todd is an Instagram model with a glass eye.</p> <p begin="00:00:49.963" end="00:00:52.338">TODD: I didn't know you were going to read that out loud.</p> <p begin="00:00:53.465" end="00:00:55.840">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: Jason is an electronics specialist</p> <p begin="00:00:55.840" end="00:00:56.825">at Best Buy. </p> <p begin="00:00:56.825" end="00:00:57.900">JASON: I'll hook you up. </p> <p begin="00:00:57.900" end="00:00:59.450">And then I'll hook up with you. </p> <p begin="00:00:59.450" end="00:01:00.616">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: Damn! </p> <p begin="00:01:01.850" end="00:01:07.250">And Benedict is a quote, smart professor from Germany.</p> <p begin="00:01:07.250" end="00:01:11.620">BENEDICT: I was raised in a house full of women.</p> <p begin="00:01:11.620" end="00:01:16.268">So as you can imagine, I know my way around a woman'd body.</p> <p begin="00:01:18.560" end="00:01:20.760">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: All right.</p> <p begin="00:01:20.760" end="00:01:24.460">Lisa, why don't you ask these bachelors the first question?</p> <p begin="00:01:24.460" end="00:01:26.660">LISA G: OK, I'm a girl that likes to be pampered.</p> <p begin="00:01:26.660" end="00:01:28.520">How would you make sure that I've had</p> <p begin="00:01:28.520" end="00:01:30.735">a good time on our first date? </p> <p begin="00:01:30.735" end="00:01:32.360">TODD: I would take you to Treasure Base</p> <p begin="00:01:32.360" end="00:01:36.130">Spa for a massage, and then we'd go for a late dinner at Dorsia.</p> <p begin="00:01:36.130" end="00:01:38.200">And if things go well, you'd also</p> <p begin="00:01:38.200" end="00:01:40.522">be joining me for breakfast. </p> <p begin="00:01:40.522" end="00:01:41.230">AUDIENCE: Oooooh! </p> <p begin="00:01:41.230" end="00:01:42.910">LISA G: Ooooh, I like that. </p> <p begin="00:01:42.910" end="00:01:44.312">Bachelor number two? </p> <p begin="00:01:44.312" end="00:01:45.770">JASON: I'd make you dinner at home,</p> <p begin="00:01:45.770" end="00:01:47.110">and then we could watch a movie. </p> <p begin="00:01:47.110" end="00:01:52.074">Although, if things go well, I'm not sure we do much watching.</p> <p begin="00:01:52.074" end="00:01:53.707">[AUDIENCE CHEERS] </p> <p begin="00:01:53.707" end="00:01:55.290">LISA G: Mmm, I like the sound of that.</p> <p begin="00:01:55.290" end="00:01:57.780">Bachelor number three, how would you make sure</p> <p begin="00:01:57.780" end="00:01:59.770">that I had a good time? </p> <p begin="00:01:59.770" end="00:02:04.850">BENEDICT: Well, first, I would the massage your labia majora.</p> <p begin="00:02:07.620" end="00:02:11.550">And then I would mount a subtle, yet focused, campaign</p> <p begin="00:02:11.550" end="00:02:12.670">on your clitoris. </p> <p begin="00:02:23.310" end="00:02:24.435">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: Huh! </p> <p begin="00:02:24.435" end="00:02:27.380">Well there are no wrong answers on Match Finders,</p> <p begin="00:02:27.380" end="00:02:31.120">but damn, that was close. </p> <p begin="00:02:31.120" end="00:02:33.680">BENEDICT: I'm sorry, did someone say that one already?</p> <p begin="00:02:33.680" end="00:02:37.610">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: No son, they sure didn't.</p> <p begin="00:02:37.610" end="00:02:39.110">Go ahead Lisa. </p> <p begin="00:02:39.110" end="00:02:41.870">LISA G: Bachelors, I love to learn new things.</p> <p begin="00:02:41.870" end="00:02:44.075">Tell me something I don't know. </p> <p begin="00:02:44.075" end="00:02:45.950">TODD: You wouldn't guess it by looking at me,</p> <p begin="00:02:45.950" end="00:02:48.220">but I'm actually a pretty good dancer.</p> <p begin="00:02:48.220" end="00:02:48.950">A cha cha cha. </p> <p begin="00:02:48.950" end="00:02:50.890">A cha cha cha. </p> <p begin="00:02:50.890" end="00:02:56.890">BENEDICT: Well, you wouldn't guess it by looking at it,</p> <p begin="00:02:56.890" end="00:03:02.566">but the human vagina has three distinct holes.</p> <p begin="00:03:02.566" end="00:03:08.174">The urethra, the vulva, and of course, the anus hole.</p> <p begin="00:03:08.174" end="00:03:10.350">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: Hey! </p> <p begin="00:03:10.350" end="00:03:13.110">What are you doing? </p> <p begin="00:03:13.110" end="00:03:15.460">This is a nice girl. </p> <p begin="00:03:15.460" end="00:03:18.310">BENEDICT: As I said Emerald, I grew up</p> <p begin="00:03:18.310" end="00:03:23.550">the only boy in the house full of very, very old women.</p> <p begin="00:03:23.550" end="00:03:26.440">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: That makes it worse.</p> <p begin="00:03:26.440" end="00:03:29.012">LISA G: Bachelor number two, you didn't answer the question.</p> <p begin="00:03:29.012" end="00:03:30.970">JASON: Oh, I yield all my time to the gentleman</p> <p begin="00:03:30.970" end="00:03:32.045">with the ponytail. </p> <p begin="00:03:32.045" end="00:03:33.920">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: Oh wait a minute, son.</p> <p begin="00:03:33.920" end="00:03:35.740">You've got to be a little more specific.</p> <p begin="00:03:35.740" end="00:03:37.000">There's two of us up here. </p> <p begin="00:03:40.780" end="00:03:43.070">LISA G: Bachelor number three, what would you</p> <p begin="00:03:43.070" end="00:03:44.840">do to make me feel special? </p> <p begin="00:03:44.840" end="00:03:45.300">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: Oh, you just going</p> <p begin="00:03:45.300" end="00:03:46.974">to walk right into traffic, aren't you?</p> <p begin="00:03:50.590" end="00:03:55.240">BENEDICT: First, I would lay down a beach towel</p> <p begin="00:03:55.240" end="00:03:57.220">on the top of the bed sheets. </p> <p begin="00:03:57.220" end="00:04:00.176">So that you wouldn't feel self-conscious about--</p> <p begin="00:04:00.176" end="00:04:01.150">[BEEPING] </p> <p begin="00:04:01.150" end="00:04:04.250">EMERALD MIKE BISCAYNE: Yeah, I'm sorry.</p> <p begin="00:04:04.250" end="00:04:07.380">Had to download the buzzer app on my phone.</p> <p begin="00:04:07.380" end="00:04:09.230">JASON: Are you like a doctor or something?</p> <p begin="00:04:09.230" end="00:04:09.938...
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