Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition a bolt of lightning strikes taking out the electricity. Moments later the power is restored and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries: ‘I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.’ Very well then says God let us see if Jesus fared any better. Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life in vivid display the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters: ‘But how!? I lost everything yet his program is intact! How did he do it?!’ God chuckles: ‘Jesus saves!’

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It is the first time they have flown together and it is obvious by the silence that they do not get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:
- I do not like Chinese.
The First Officer replies:
- Oooooh, no likee Chinese? Why dat?
- You bombed Pearl harbor. That is why I do not like Chinese.
- Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.
- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it does not matter, they are all alike.
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says:
- No likee Jew.
- Why not? Why do not you like Jews?
- Jews sink Titanic.
- No, no. The Jews did not sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.
- Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same.

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus one turned to another and said So what did you bring The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first What did you bring The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said I brought cards. I can play poker solitaire gin and any number of games. The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked Why are you so smug What did you bring The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said I brought these. The other two were puzzled and asked What can you do with those He grinned and pointed to the box and said Well according to the box I can go horseback riding swimming roller-skating...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says You know I do not know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we have been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway I shut off the engine and coast into the garage I take my shoes off before I go into the house I sneak up the stairs I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His buddy looks at him and says Well you are obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway slam the door storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet jump into bed rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say: ‘How about a little…’ and she pretends she is asleep.

A Canadian is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??"
Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don’t. In the States, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence.
The American persists: "Dya eat jelly with the bread??"
Canadian: "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."
The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

Gun Shop Owner: Hi, How can I help you?
Client: I am looking for a gun.
Owner: What kind of gun are you looking for?
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): That one looks about right.
Owner: (very surprised): Why do you need a .44 magnum?
Client: It is for shooting at cans.
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans.
Client: (pointing again at the .44) Nah, I need this one.
Owner: OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?
Client: Mexi-cans... Puerto Ri-cans... Afri-cans...

José had just finished his English class, but to pass the teacher asked him one last question. Use the words "green," "pink," and "yellow" in the same sentence. José thought for a minute and then replied: "The phone go green, green, green, green, I pink  it up, and I say yellow"

A pun or paronomasia is a phrase that deliberately exploits confusion between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect. Puns are a form of word play, and can occur in all natural languages. By definition, puns must be deliberate; an involuntary substitution of similar words is called a malapropism.

For example: "Atheism is a non-prophet institution," (the pun lies in the substitition of "prophet" for the similar-sounding word "profit" in the common phrase "non-profit institution")

Typology

A perfect pun exploits word pairs that sound exactly alike, or two senses of the same word:

"Being in politics is just like playing golf: you are trapped in one bad lie after another."

(Pun on the two meanings of lie - "a deliberate untruth"/"the position in which something rests").

If the two words sound similar, but not identical, the pun is said to be imperfect.

"Question: Why do we still have troops in Germany? Answer: To keep the Slovaks in Czech."

(Pun on the words "check" and "Czech".)

A homographic pun exploits different words (or word meanings) which are spelled the same way, whether they have the same sound or not:

"You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass." —Douglas Adams

(Bass is a homographic pun on the identical spelling of /beis/ (low frequency), and /bæs/ (a kind of fish). Tuna is a play on "tune a".).

Homographic puns using words with same spelling but different pronunciations, like "bass" above, are said to be heteronymic.

A compound pun is a sentence that contains two or more puns:

Sign in a golf-cart shop: "When drinking, don't drive. Don't even putt."

(Puns on "driving" and "putting" a golf ball, vs. "driving" a car or "putting" around in a golf cart.)

An extended pun or pun sequence is a long utterance that contains multiple puns with a common theme:

"A fight broke out in a kitchen. Egged on by the waiters, two cooks peppered each other with punches. One man, a greasy foie gras specialist, ducked the first blows, but his goose was cooked when the other cold-cocked him. The man who beet him, a weedy salad expert with big cauliflower ears, tried to flee the scene, but was cornered in the maize of tables by a husky off-duty cob. He was charged with a salt and buttery. He claims to look forward to the suit, as he's always wanted to be a sous-chef."

(Egged: "to throw eggs at"/"to cheer-on". Peppered: "to add pepper to"/"to punch". Duck: a species of bird/"to bend down". Beet: pun on "beat". Weedy: "having a lot of vegetables"/"skinny". Maize: pun on "maze". A salt: pun on "assault". Suit: "lawsuit"/"clothes". Sous-: pun on "sue".)

A daffynition (portmanteau of daffy and definition) reinterpretation of an existing word, on the basis that it sounds like another word (or group of words).

The knock-knock joke is a type of joke, probably the best-known format of the pun, and "call and answer" exercise. It is a roleplay exercise, with a punster and a recipient of wit.

The standard format has five lines:

The punster: Knock, knock! (indicating a door has been struck to gain attention)

The recipient: Who's there? (an inquiry)

The punster: a response, sometimes involving a name (to set up the pun)

The recipient: a repetition of the response followed by who? (a request for clarification)

The punster: the punch line, which typically involves a misusage of the word set up during the response.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Delores.

Delores who?

Delores my shepherd... (a play on "the Lord is my shepherd")

A spoonerism is an error in speech or deliberate play on words in which corresponding consonants, vowels, or morphemes are switched (see metathesis). It is named after the Reverend William Archibald Spooner (1844–1930), Warden of New College, Oxford, who was notoriously prone to this tendency. While spoonerisms are commonly heard as slips of the tongue resulting from unintentionally getting one's words in a tangle, they are often used intentionally as a play on words.

"Three cheers for our queer old dean!" (dear old queen)

"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?" ………………………….

"The Lord is a shoving leopard." ………………………….

"A blushing crow." ………………………….

"A well-boiled icicle" ………………………….

"You were fighting a liar in the quadrangle." ………………………….

"Is the bean dizzy?" ………………………….

"You have hissed all my mystery lectures. You have ...