Vertex – August 1974
(1974)*
Randall Garrett
There was an old gas-man named Peter
Who had trouble in reading the meter,
So he struck up a light
And was blown out of sight,
And, as anyone who knows anything
at all about the proper construction
of limericks can tell you, he also tore
hell out of the meter.
-
The United States, as everyone should know, is on the verge of converting completely to the Metric System of weights and measures, relegating the time-honored English System to the historical junk pile. No more ounces and pounds; we will use grams and kilograms. No more inches, feet, yards, and miles; we will have centimeters, meters, and kilometers. Pour the pints and quarts down the drain and fill up with liters.
Right now, the English are going through this sort of change but it's a change we went through nearly two centuries ago. The English are changing their money system. Until recently, the English monetary system had twelve pence to the shilling and twenty shillings to the pound, or two hundred and forty pence to the pound. How do you add 8 pounds, 11 shillings, fourpence to 6 pounds, 18 shillings, ninepence without going nuts?
Well, it's really no worse than adding 6 feet 7-1/2 inches to 8 feet 8-1/4 inches, or adding 6 pounds 12 ounces to 3 pounds 8 ounces. It's multiplying and dividing that will drive you to the giggle farm. Ten times 11 shillings fourpence is 5 pounds, 13 shillings fourpence. The Metric System is far easier, since everything is multiplied or divided by ten. Ten times $1.35 is $13.50. All you have to do is shift the decimal point.
Mark, now, I don't argue that using the Metric System isn't easier than using the English System; it's the conversion that is going to have us sitting on the edge of our teeth.
During that time, all will be chaos.
Mr. Orville W. Tunafish, a skilled carpenter, needs a six-foot piece of two-by-four to finish the job he's working on. He drives to the local lumber yard, smiles at the clerk, and begins: "I want a piece of ..."
Suddenly he stops, and a glazed look comes into his eye.
"Excuse me a minute," he says.
He goes over to a nearby table, sits down, takes out his English-Metric Metric-English Conversion tables and his Transistorized Electronic Calculator, and goes to work. After some time, he rises with a look of triumph in his eye, goes back to the dealer, and says: "I'd like a piece of finished white pine, 1.829652 meters long, 5.08001 centimeters by 10.16002 centimeters."
The clerk looks at him and shakes his head sadly. "We use actual dimensions now. You mean a 1.829652 meter piece of 3.98126 centimeters by 9.21006 centimeters."
"Sure." says Mr. Tunafish glumly. "Whatever."
On a farm just outside of Coffeeville, Kansas, Mr. Zebediah MacAroni wants his hired hand to go out and plow the back forty. After working furiously with pencil and paper, he says: "Hank, go out and plow the back 1618.7492 square meters." Psychologically, he's still not sure how big a square meter is.
Meanwhile, a housewife in Jersey City is ordering 453.5925 grams of butter and 946.333 milliliters of milk from her grocer.
And down at the liquor store Mr. Snuteful is buying a 0.75706 liters of gin, from which he will make martinis containing 59.1458 milliliters of gin and 6.5711 milliliters of dry vermouth.
But if all this isn't bad enough, look what it will do to the language! Old saws will have to be converted:
"28.348527 grams of prevention is worth 0.4534924 kilograms of cure."
"A miss is as good as 1.60935 kilometers."
"473.5925 milliliters is 453.5924 grams the world round."
And those little green caterpillars that hump their way placidly through life to the pupa stage will be called "2.54005 centimeter worms."
How far must we go in conversion? Shakespeare?
"Full 9.14402 meters thy father lies; "Of his bones are coral made. . ."
The Bible?
"Hide not thy light under 35.238 liters."
How about the fairy story where the hero strides across the countryside in his 33.796 kilometer boots? How about fine old songs such as "Roll Out the 136.2708 Liters!" or "Old Man Mose Has Kicked the 15.1412 Liters!"?
The mind reels gently.
But when one thinks of the measurements that could be converted, it gets even worse. Most people know that horses are measured by hands—which is four inches. But there are other English measures: the stone, the palm, the barleycorn, the firkin, the bucket, the butt, the slug, the scruple, the pennyweight, the rod, the ... (Gasp!) On and on. And every single one of them can be converted to the Metric System. And what does that give us?
"A bird in the 10.160 centimeters is worth two in the bush."
"Cross my 7.62 centimeters with silver."
"He's always sticking his 30.48006 centimeters in his mouth."
"Get off your 0.57281 cubic meters and go to work!" I can see a time when the Women's Christian Temperance Union, having patriotically converted to the Metric System, will continue to be vociferous in their denunciations of the evils of the wicked John 8.4667 Millimeters. I predict that those who are violently opposed to artificial insemination will have as their motto: "Spare the 5.02921 meters and spoil the child!"
All our scruples will weigh in at 1.2959784 grams each, and a slug of whiskey will weigh 14.594 kilograms. It will be said of a strict teetotaler that he is always "cold, 6.350 kilograms sober."
At this point in time and space, it is impossible to predict how far this conversion process will go, but there are certain consolations.
After it's all over, a man can walk up to a pretty girl and ask, "How would you like a good 34.068 liters?"
And she will know exactly what he means.
The End
*scanners note: To save you googling it ...
1 Firkin = 9 gallons (U.S) = 34.068 liters
allforjesus2001