Free Amazons of Ghor

An Original Musical Skit

(1979)*

Randall Garrett & Vicki Ann Heydron

SCENE: An empty stage. Seated and motionless at stage left are Ms. Bee, Norman Gormant and The Editor. Enter Chief Barbarian and Shrinking Maiden.

CH. BARBARIAN (Recitative):

I am the hero of every story

that has ever been written.

SHRINKING MAIDEN (Recitative):

And I am always there with him.

He wants me, or he hates me,

Or he owns me. But I'm always there.

CH. BAR. & SH. MAID (Sung: #1):

We play our parts well,

              We do as we're told;

But we rarely have voices

              In choosing our mold.

CH. BAR.:

My author says: "Fight!

              "You're a man made of steel!"

SH. MAID:

My author says: "Hide

              "All the fear that you feel!"

NORMAN GORMAN (points to Chief Barbarian):

You're strong!

MS. BEE (Points to Shrinking Maiden):

You're noble!

CH. BAR. & SH. MAID:

You're wrong:

(END #1)

CH. BAR. (indicating Norman Gorman):

He ought to try carrying a sword sometime.

Then he'd agree with me

That a blaster is much more practical!

SH. MAID (indicating Ms. Bee):

And sure, it's wonderful to be strong

And self-sufficient, and stubborn

And proud. But it's so much easier

To be myself ...

CH. BAR. & SH. MAID (Sung: #2):

No one ever asks us

              What we'd like to do.

Our parts are given to us

              And we have to follow through.

CH. BAR.:

My author then says: "Woo her;

              "You're romantic and you're bold."

SH. MAID:

My author then says: "No, ma'am!

              "You're aloof and you are cold."

NORMAN GORMAN:

You're fascinating!

MS. BEE:

You're not interested!

CH. BAR. & SH. MAID:

You're wrong!

(END #2)

CH. BAR.:

He rules my fate like a god.

SH. MAID:

And she molds me like --

You should excuse the expression --

Virgin clay.

CH. BAR. & SH. MAID (glaring at authors):

And worst of all, sometimes

They can't make up their minds!

Chief Barbarian and Shrinking Maiden become motionless

as the Editor slaps his leg loudly.

EDITOR:

New! We've got to have something new!

MS. BEE:

But the Dimover books are selling like hotcakes.

NORMAN G.:

So who wants to read a waffle?

The Ghor books are the dynamite of our line --

MS. BEE:

Yes ...

I've heard of their explosive effect on women!

EDITOR:

Now, now ...

I 've been putting a lot of thought into this matter,

And I believe I've found the answer.

You, Ms. Bee, and you, Norman Gorman,

Are my top-selling authors --

And I think you should collaborate!

Ms. Bee and Norman Gorman stand up.

MS. BEE (Disgusted):

Collaborate?

NORMAN G. (Staring at Editor, incredulous):

Collaborate?

EDITOR (Sung: #3):

Collaborate, collaborate,

              Work together on a plot.

Each of you, yes, each of you

              Has things the other hasn't got.

NORMAN G. (turning away; recitative):

I won't do it!

MS. BEE (turning away):

YOU won't do It?

I won't do it!

EDITOR:

It means more money ...

MS. BEE & NORM. G. (turning back, they look at each other then at the Editor):

We'll do it.

EDITOR (sung):

Collaborate! Collaborate!

MS. BEE & NORM. G.:

We'll work together on a plot!

EDITOR:

Collaborate! Collaborate!

MS. BEE & NORM. G.:

This will take a lot of thought.

(Authors sit in thoughtful poses, keeping time to music of interlude.)

EDITOR:

Collaborate! Collaborate!

NORMAN G:

I've got: brawn!

MS. BEE:

I've got brains!

EDITOR:

Collaborate, collaborate!

MS. BEE:

I've got spirit!

NORM. G.:

I 've got chains!

EDITOR:

Produce a work that's just as great

              As your audience expects.

MS. BEE:

I'll put in the violence.

NORMAN:

And I'll supply the sex!

EDITOR:

Collaborate, collaborate!

              I can't wait to hear the plot.

With the two of you together,

...