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Let’s Get Politic-lol
Attention reader, this issue of QX has been hijacked by us,
Bourgeois & Maurice.
We’re cabaret’s
answer to Fox News - opinionated, unreliable, bit too much make-up. When we heard QX was
planning an Election Special we ram-raided the office and held the staff hostage - we’ve got a lot
of thoughts about this stuff and we’re not gonna miss this chance to share them. So, welcome to this
politic-lol special, packed with careful research, balanced opinion and man nipples. Rest assured
we’ve personally tested all those ads at the back - we take our job as guest editors very seriously.
Photos: Franc-Off Godevi
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Got opinions about things? We want to hear them, tweet:
@bourgmaurice
and
@QXmagazine
and use the hashtags:
#politiclol
and
#QXGayLondon
- who should you vote for?
Here’s a brief intro to
the party leaders:
David Cameron - Conservative
An insane capitalist tyrant who must be stopped. Definitely
a candidate for having touched a bum hole at Eton.
Ed Miliband - Labour
An insane communist despot who must be stopped. Has his
own teenage-groupie hashtag #milifandom (not a joke).
Nick Clegg - Liberal Democrat
Poor Michelle.
Natalie Bennett - Green
Her real name is ‘Dream Forest’ and she lives on a mung
bean farm.
Nicola Sturgeon - Scottish National Party
Fishy realness. Loves to scalp English people with her big
Scottish claws.
Nigel Farage – New Monster Raving Loony Party
Who?
Man-ifesto
Economy
What did each of the main parties’ manifestos have to
say about LGBTQ issues? We put on our investigative
wig caps, opened Google, and found out...
Five families in the
UK have the same
amount of money as
12 million UK citizens.
Shocking? Well think
about it for a second
- rich people
need
more money than
poor people! They
have bigger houses
to pay for, cars that
use more petrol,
and more expensive
clothes. We advocate
that they maintain
full control of all
the money because
poor people can’t
count and they might
lose it or spend it on
something silly like
X Factor voting or
heating. We know
we do.
Green Party
Plans to provide mandatory HIV,
sex and relationship advice in schools and urge
all other Commonwealth states to decriminalise
homosexuality, which Her Maj will be pleased
about cos it’s definitely something she’s been
meaning to do for ages.
Labour
Says it will tackle homophobic hate
crime and appoint an International LGBT Rights
Envoy to work towards the decriminalisation of
homosexuality worldwide. Maybe with a new
sales tactic- “No Gays, No Guns” or “Like our
arms? You’ll LOVE our homos”.
Lib Dems
The first party to commit to a gay
rights policy in 1975, the Lib Dems say they’ll
make homophobic chanting at football matches
illegal and tackle international gay rights issues.
And when the Lib Dems say they’re gonna do
something you can damn well bet they might
possibly maybe try... a bit.
Conservatives
They’re still trying to make
the Big Society happen (get over it guys,
move on), so there’s lots of general talk about
promoting tolerance. They also say they’ll pardon
criminalised gay people from the past, which is
important to Tories because that’s where they live.
SNP
Says it will “make the case for the
establishment of a special envoy – a diplomatic
post within the Foreign Office – to promote the
rights of LGBTI people throughout the world, as
an integral part of UK foreign policy”. Very much
what Labour said. Um, hello, starting a coalition
much?! It always starts with the gays.
UKIP
Nothing to see here folks, go home. UKIP
didn’t include any mention of LGBT issues in
their manifesto so we ain’t gonna mention them
anymore here. That dick with the pint glass has
had enough air-time.
Money
Credit Card or Savings Account?
The party attitudes to managing our money…
Tax (me baby)
All the parties are banging on about stopping tax-avoiders,
which if you haven’t heard are the new love-to-hate hipsters
of 2015. None of them really say how they’ll actually do this,
but since they’re all friends with the avoiders we guess they
can just ask them when they’re down the pub. People are
generally more honest after a few jaegerbombs anyway.
Tories
- a tight uncle who only ever gets you
grey nylon socks for your birthday.
Labour-
like us when we go shopping: “But
the
thing is, I actually really needed those £5000
shoes, because I have feet”.
Lib Dems -
always keep the receipts cos they
know they’ll change their mind.
Greens -
have evolved beyond money.
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WHO WORE IT BEST?
DAVID CA MERON
Daves totally nails the cutesy “vote for
me” vibes in this striking summer two-
piece. Pairing the navy blue suit with
the complimentary royal blue tie and
revealing white shirt, brings out the
softness of his complexion but still says
he’s the leader of the fashion-pack. But
uh-oh, just a few weeks earlier someone
else was spotted in the same thing…
Vs
ED MILIBAND
Vs
NICK CLEGG
Ed is normally more experimental with
his fashion choices (remember the nude
latex body suit?), so it’s nice to see him
pared down in simple, elegant chic for
a change. And boy can he work it! The
white shirt says he’s ready for business
but the blue tie shows he’s still got a wild
side. Watch out for this one on the streets
of Doncaster North!
Cleggy has taken a fashion beating of
late, but with this forward-thinking, and
oh-so-revealing number he’s put himself
right back in the game. The chic line
of the lapel flatters his weather-beaten
demeanour, and he pairs it brilliantly with
just the right level of accessories. None.
All three work this look amazingly, with their own unique style, and looking
super foxy! It’s a tough call, but we think Cleggy just pips it; his rock-star
hair and devil-may care smile give him the fashion edge.
THE WINNER
The Handy Handkerchief
Red, yellow, green, blue... the political spectrum covers all the colours
of the rainbow. We decided to match each party’s signature colour
with its corresponding Handkerchief Code to find out what these
fabulous perverts get up to in the Westminster bogs.
Tory Blue
Anal
The kind of
selfish tops who
always finish
first and say shit
like ‘no hanky
panky on a
school night’.
Lib Dem Yellow
Watersports
The wild card
everyone’s
considered at
some point or
another.
UKIP Purple
Piercing]
Pain! Infection!
Regret! These
guys know how
to party.
Labour Red
Fisting
Fuck the
laundry bill and
the loose butt
flaps tomorrow,
let’s live for the
moment.
Greens Green
Hustler
Buying or
selling? They’re
really not
bothered as
long as the lube
is Fairtrade
and made from
Hemp juice.
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