Jimmy Carr - 2008 - In Concert.txt

1
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I genuineIy can't get over how nervous I am.

2
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It's my fourth DVD,
in the BIoomsbury Theatre.

3
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It's caIIed In Concert. You're watching it.

4
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Good, right, Iet's go, shaII we?

5
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(AppIause and cheering)

6
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Ladies and gentIemen, it's an honour
and a priviIege to be here, I imagine.

7
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Yeah, weII done me.

8
00:00:37,468 --> 00:00:38,867
I went out earIier for a coffee,

9
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someone said, ''Are you Jimmy Carr
or do you just Iook Iike Jimmy Carr?''

10
00:00:41,948 --> 00:00:44,621
I said, ''Both.''

11
00:00:46,388 --> 00:00:49,027
You know when you go to a friend's house
for the first time,

12
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and they say, ''Did you find it OK?''

13
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What are you meant to say?
''No, I'm stiII Iost.''

14
00:00:58,028 --> 00:01:00,383
A Iot of peopIe think I'm posh.
Who thinks I'm posh?

15
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- (Audience) Yeah!
- WeII, compared to you, yes!

16
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But I'm not as posh as peopIe think.

17
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I actuaIIy went to one of
the roughest coIIeges in Cambridge.

18
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Fame is weird.
I'm at a very weird IeveI of fame now

19
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where peopIe come up
and say heIIo in the street.

20
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It's very fIattering, but then they insuIt me
when they're taIking to me.

21
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They'II say things Iike,
''You're not as fat as you Iook on TV.''

22
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''What d'you mean, not as fat?''

23
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This is my favourite. They go,
''You're actuaIIy quite funny.''

24
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They're saying, ''Imagine my surprise,
you're not totaIIy fucking shit.''

25
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So, I'm fIattered they've said heIIo,
but angry they've insuIted me.

26
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So, I'm angry and fIattered.

27
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Weird emotions to have at the same time,
so I try and do the same thing back.

28
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I say, ''WeII, you're a super IittIe cunt.''

29
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I keep on getting mistaken for AIan Carr.

30
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So, what I've done is,
I've stopped sucking men off.

31
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(AppIause)

32
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That was my hand symboI
for no more cock.

33
00:02:02,468 --> 00:02:05,187
I don't quite know
what that round of appIause was for.

34
00:02:05,228 --> 00:02:07,025
Was that you thinking, ''Funny joke,''

35
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or, ''HomosexuaIity's just about wiIIpower''?

36
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PeopIe often ask,
''What were you Iike at schooI?''

37
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So, I teII them, ''I was a IittIe bIack girI.''

38
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There's about haIf of you Iaughing,
haIf of you thinking, ''Was he?''

39
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You wouId never know.

40
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Wetting your bed
is embarrassing as a chiId.

41
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:30,306
But as an aduIt,

42
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wetting a chiId's bed is mortifying.

43
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It's aImost impossibIe
to expIain that shit away.

44
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WeII, it's earIy on in the evening,
Iet's try some easy jokes to start with.

45
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Good Iuck.

46
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I was in the south of France.
I saw a Brownie on a schooI trip.

47
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She was hoIding up a book.
It said, ''Rough Guide.''

48
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I thought, ''Yeah, she's not a Iooker.''

49
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That's the easiest joke in the show.

50
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If you don't get that,
you might as weII fuck off now, mate.

51
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:04,508
3%%% of Britons never Ieave a tip,

52
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and they're known as the weirdoes
that Iive at the tip.

53
00:03:12,308 --> 00:03:14,981
I saw a headIine.
It said, ''Britain faces crisis.''

54
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I thought, ''What,
we're running out of faces?''

55
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When someone recommends a book
to me and they say, ''It's a page turner,''

56
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I aIways think,
''Yeah, I know how books work.''

57
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I bought a home pregnancy kit.

58
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It turns out my house is pregnant.

59
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We're thriIIed, we're having a shed.

60
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I got interviewed Iast week
by a nice young Iady.

61
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She said, ''What's your house Iike?''
I said, ''I've got a semi.''

62
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Which wouId've been fine,
but then I showed it to her.

63
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And of course, by then,
it wasn't a semi.

64
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If you ask ten randomIy chosen women
how often they wash their knickers,

65
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a surprising number answer,
''How did you get in here?''

66
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Treat them mean, keep them keen,
that's what they say, isn't it?

67
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But I think you've gone too far
if you're using a StanIey knife.

68
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A Iot of women stay with their men
even if their men hit them.

69
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A Iot of women stay with their husbands
even if their husbands beat them.

70
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They need a sIap.

71
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Where's your seIf-esteem?

72
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SiIIy cow!

73
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She was tiny.

74
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What peopIe never say
about domestic vioIence,

75
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and it strikes me as very obvious,

76
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but peopIe never say this about domestic
vioIence, just how fucking stupid it is.

77
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I mean, you're hitting your wife!

78
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It's your wife!

79
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You might as weII
key your own fucking car.

80
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Think about it!

81
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You don't Iike her now,

82
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you're not gonna Iike her any more with two
bIack eyes and a bit of a face on, are you?

83
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There are pIaces in the country
where that's just a joke.

84
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I did that joke in Preston,
it was Iike marriage guidance.

85
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It got a round of appIause.

86
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I thought it was a round of appIause,
it was actuaIIy peopIe hitting their wives.

87
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When I was a kid,
I was scared of the dentist.

88
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He was a paedophiIe.

89
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(AppIause)

90
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I suppose that begs the question,
''How many fiIIings did he give me?''

91
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(Audience groans)

92
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I beIieve each and every chiId
shouId be given a chance,

93
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:40,941
and that's why, if they can guess
the number I'm thinking of, I Iet them go.

94
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Is anyone in from round the country?
You from London? Where are you from?

95
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(Woman) LiverpooI!
(Man) Essex!

96
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- Where are you from, sir?
- (Man) Doncaster.

97
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You're from Doncaster,
and you're down here just for the Iights.

98
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You'II be back and teIIing peopIe,
''I was inside, it was Iike a cave...

99
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''but it was Iike daytime at night.''

100
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''CouIdn't make head nor taiI.''

101
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(Man) CandIes.

102
00:06:08,748 --> 00:06:11,945
CandIes? Yes, they're Iike candIes.

103
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WeII done you.

104
00:06:17,748 --> 00:06:19,306
It's IoveIy to have you.

105
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Now fuck off back.

106
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(Woman) New ZeaIand.

107
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New ZeaIand? How's it going over there,
is it aII right?

108
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- (Man) Not bad.
- You stiII having that probIem

109
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with Saruman and his Orc army?

110
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I dunno.

111
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- (Woman) Harrow.
- HeIIo.

112
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Sorry, did you just go, ''HeIIo'', at the end?

113
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Where are you from, madam?

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